Randomness
by MaddieRulz
Summary: This is a story I write from time to time about the 5 of us: Jessie, James, Angus, Alan and myself, Maddie. We basically get up to all kinds of things everywher, and ost of the ctions and speech is based off of real life tings we do.This contains strong l


"No, look. There is no WAY that you can be straight, you are queer. Get it right, okay Puffta?" Angus advised Alan for the tenth time that day.

"Stop calling me a puffta! And I am not gay!" Alan said in a huffed voice, insulted a little.

"Oh go lick that tangerine's penis for enjoyment"

James put both hands over his crotch, tilted his head back and let out a high pitched "Nuuuuuuu!"

Maddie leaned against the rail, doing her best to relax and ignore the boys' pointless argument, even though the truth was being spoken and then denied. She paid little attention to the mental person in front of her.

"I'm a tree swaying in the breeze….." Jessie stood there grinning like an idiot and swished her arms from side to side.

"Sure you are…." Maddie yawned.

"Shut the fuck up Hagrid!"

"Come on kids, you need to learn about this hospital stuff…..We'll do five minutes then maybe we can operate on a dead person"

All eyes turned to look at Sam Strachan stood there in a white hospital coat, smiling sweetly at them. He then turned around and started walking back towards the automatic doors that opened into Holby Hospital, Connie was stood there waiting, looking rather impatient.

"Sam, we can't wait all day"

Maddie poked Jessie several times in the shoulder until she finally got a response from her, since she was staring fixedly at Sam's back, mesmerized. She then clasped her hands together and looked up at the sky and said quietly, "Thank you"

"Get moving, you might get laid with sexy over there" Maddie lied to her face.

"OOOH!" Jessie screeched, grabbed Maddie's wrist, then dashed towards the doors after Sam. The boys right behind them.

Jessie suddenly halted and stuck her arms out, stopping everyone in front of the automatic doors.

"This will take the work of an expert!"

Jessie stepped forwards a bit and slowly spread her arms out as the doors opened in front of her, screaming, "JESUS POWERS!"

Rather embarrassed, Maddie and James both pushed her through the doors and into the hospital. Sam and Connie stood in front of the group, holding a clipboard. Jessie forgot about her Jesus powers and went back to staring goggle eyed at Sam.

"Okay, here's what we need you to do in the hospital for today" Connie took the clipboard out of Sam's hand and handed it to Maddie.

Maddie quickly scanned the list with the boys looking over her shoulders; after a while they looked up, staring unimpressed at Connie.

"Wtf? This is basically the cleaning crew's list!" Angus exclaimed.

"Now now, it's not the cleaning crew's list!" Connie explained.

"Okay then. What does that say 'cause apparently I can't read" Maddie turns the clipboard around and points to three big bold letters right at the top of the page: **Cleaning Crew List**.

"That's all we have on short notice" Connie walked back and grabbed Sam's tie and started pulling him towards her "Now if you don't mind me and Mr Strachan have a date with the closet"

Connie smoothly walked away across the hospital, dragging Sam behind her by his tie. Jessie became very pissed off and attempted to lunge at Connie and rip her throat out then make her eat herself, but James, Alan and Angus threw themselves on top of her. She continued to thrash about under the combined weight of the trio.

"RAWR LEMME GO! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THAT BITCH!"

Jessie suddenly went quiet and stopped thrashing about as the hospital shook a little, and a noise came from the direction of the orange nearby. Everyone stared at James dumbly; he just put his hands on his butt.

"Excuse me……"

"Eeeeewwwww!" Angus and Alan exclaimed together and moved backwards away from James.

"Eeww, James's fart smells like a telephone box!" Jessie continued to lie on the floor, putting her hands on her throat and starting to choke "Dying….. Toxins consuming lungs……can't breathe…."

Maddie, somehow able to ignore everything, looked up from the clipboard and advised calmly "Try taking your hands off your throat"

Jessie took her hands away from her neck and got up. "Oh…..JESUS POWERS LET ME LIIIIVE" She points an accusing arm at James "HA! Your orange attacks are no match for my JESUS POWERS!"

A doctor inched his way closer to James, a peg on his nose, and handed him a spray "Please disinfect the hospital from you're poisonous toxins….You're disrupting the mood"

James took the can of spray "The calm, 'you will live' mood?"

"No" The doctor replies "The sex mood, I doubt any of the doctors here even have a qualification in biology"

"ICH BIN EIN BERLINNER!" Jessie screams at him in German.

The doctor stared wide eyed at Jessie, then slowly and cautiously backed away. James took the lid off the spray and examined the top with large eyes "Oooh….."

He then pressed down on the top and sprayed himself right it the eyes "AHHHHHH IT BURNSSSS!"

"Now you know how you're hair feels" Alan put in.

"FUCK YOU!" James screamed, falling to the floor and rolling around in pain.

With the whole hospital staring at them, the rest of them, with the exception of Jessie, felt very embarrassed like this. Angus and Alan grabbed the screaming James by his ankles and dragged him out of the doors away from the staring eyes. Maddie was about to follow, but looked back at their last member, who was dancing around screaming.

"ICH BIN EIN BERLINNER UND ICH KOMME SCHEISSE! DU IST POMMES!"

Maddie walked up to her, grabbed her around the collar of her shirt and dragged her backwards out of the hospital.

James had finally gotten to his feet, his eyes and face quite red from the spray. Jessie wasn't very sympathetic.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! TANGERINE WENT A LITTLE RIPE ON THE TREEEE!" She pointed and laughed at him.

"FUCK YOU SAM SCROTUM'S EX!" He retaliated.

All the others gasped and stared at Jessie, "EVACUATE!" Alan screamed and him, Angus and Maddie quickly retreated.

Jessie stood with her fists clenched glaring menacingly at James. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" She screeched and lunged forwards.

"I'M SORRY!" James screamed pathetically and tried to cover his crotch.

"YOU WILL BE WHEN YOU'RE IN HELL WITH A DILDO GRAPPLED AROUND YOU'RE NECK! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Jessie punched James harshly in the stomach, pulled his hair, then kicked him in the crotch. He fell to the floor writhing in pain and screaming.

After a short while as James was left lying on the floor, a little way off the rest of the group stood, Jessie having now calmed down due to a quote from Maddie. James finally stood up and hobbled over to join them.

"Owwww……"

"Saved your ass" Maddie said, referring to preventing Jessie from mercilessly beating him to an orange seed. Jessie just snarled then remained quiet.

"Hahaha, that was so funny though! You are such a little wuss Jim!" Alan giggled like a girl.

"Aww, 'tis love" Angus sneered.

James got really pissed and felt like annoying Angus: bad decision. "Chika, chika, BOOM!" He did a thrust in Maddie's direction.

Maddie screamed and backed away from him "PERV!"

"RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRR" Angus leaped into the air and kicked James across the side of the head, causing him to fall back to the gravel in pain, the side of his face turning a bright red. Jessie stood there and laughed at him.

"OMG Angus, you get well pissed off when anyone makes a move towards Maddie, oooh something going on there?" Alan implied slyly, getting a deadly glare from Maddie.

Angus swiftly punched him in the face so Alan fell to the floor and rolled about along side James, holding the side of his face.

"Ahhhhhhow" They cried.

Jessie jumped up and down clapping her hands together "Yay, I like this game! Is it a private party or can anyone play?"

Angus bowed and indicated the two gays on the floor "Be my guest"

"Two timer!" Alan accused Angus.

"Shut the fuck up Hagrid!" Jessie kicked Alan hard in the ribs, then giggled like a demented hyena "Heeheehee!"

James suddenly jumped to his feet and tackled Jessie "Don't hurt Jessie!" He yelled.

"AHHH RAPE!" She screeched, just before bending down and picking up a handful of soil, then rubbing it into James's hair.

She then held her hand up to her face and screamed "EHHH! ORANGITUS!" then wiped it on James's shirt.

"AHHH! YOU BITCH!"

James tried to tackle Jessie again, but she sprinted off to be nearer the hospital, then ran away from him jumping up and down and flapping her arms "JESUS POWERS GRANT ME FLIGHT!"

James's face soon went bright red and he started huffing and puffing………..after 5 seconds running.

After ages of watching James turn into a tomato with orange dressing and Jessie flapping like a bird, a sudden rain storm came on, making things worse as Jessie and Maddie were wearing shirts that were exactly like their school shirts.

"YAY! IT'S RAINING MILK!" Jessie cried, unaware of the perverted danger.

"AHH!" Maddie screamed. "When the shirts are wet they become see through!" She tried to cover herself with her arms, but to no avail.

"Here" Angus took his jacket off and put it over Maddie's head.

"Tankoo" Maddie smiled and held it over her head, before turning her attention back to Jessie.

"AHHHH! THE MILK IS ACIDICATED! IT WILL BURN AWAY THE PERVERT PROOF LAYER! NOOOOO! GO AWAY JAMES YOU TANGERINE PERVERT!" She screamed as Alan and James both stood by anxiously waiting whilst Jessie ran around in circles in the pouring rain.

Angus decided to try and help her "Jessie, run into the hospital! Run into the hospital! Sam and Joseph are in there!"

It didn't work; Jessie continued to run around screaming. Maddie patted him lightly on the shoulder with one hand. "No Angus, you have to know which saying to use at the right time".

Maddie quickly hurried, Angus right behind her, over to the automatic doors. She then stood just outside them and pointed at them screaming "HAGRID! JESUS POWERS!"

Jessie stopped running in circles and dashed towards the doors "JESUS POWERS!" she screamed and ran through them "JESUS POWERS ALWAYS PREVAIL-"

Jessie ran too fast through the first set of doors and so ran INTO the second set, knocking herself to the floor. Maddie, Angus, James and Alan all walked in to see her sat there screaming.

"AHHHHHOOOOWWW GODAMN NORMAL DOORS FUCK YOU GO TO HELL ICH BIN EIN BERLINNER TELEPHONE BOX!"

Maddie sighed "Well, at least we got her inside…."

Much later on the gang stood in a corridor where all the vacuum cleaners and stuff was stored. Maddie stood leaning against the wall, the clipboard in hand, reading it. For some incredibly strange reason, she was able to ignore the rest of her surroundings.

"JESUS POWERS WILL BEAT SPIDEY POWERS!"

"WANNA BET?"

Angus and Jessie both sat on top of two hoovers and were racing up the corridor. Alan tried to participate…….with a leaf blower.

"WAIT FOR MEEEEEE" He said, moving another inch forwards.

Connie suddenly stepped into the corridor to see how the rest of them were getting on. Jessie, who was waaay in the lead, screeched her hoover to a halt just in front of Connie.

"Jesus Powers will let you live……"

Suddenly, Angus crashed straight into the back of Jessie's hoover and sent her flying off it. The two hovers crashed into Connie and knocked her flat on the floor, leaving her covered in dust.

"Spidey Powers disagree…." Jessie inclined, the looked up to see that it was Sam who had caught her "HEWWO!" Then she kissed him.

Connie threw the hoovers off herself and stood staring angrily at Jessie, who just stuck her tongue out.

"Hmm, maybe this will work….." Alan plugged the leaf blower into a high voltage socket, then switched it on full blast. The leaf blower took off into the air and went straight towards the group.

Just as the leaf blower was about to hit them, Jessie pointed at it and said "Birdy"

It crashed into all four of them, with Alan holding on for dear life, and knocked them all into a large pile over the hoovers on the corridor floor.

"ALAN YOU TWAT!" Jessie screamed, and kicked him hard in the face.

"RIGHT, THAT'S IT PUFFTA!" Angus shoved the leaf blower off him and chased after a terrified Alan, all the way up and down the corridor.

Jessie, Connie and Sam helped themselves to their feet. Just then, James came back from his potty break.

"Wow, those places have this nifty little sinks you can wash up in, even though they are a tad yellow, and look" e holds up a half eaten, round blue toilet tablet "FREE MINTS!" He took another bite out of it.

"Er, those aren't mints….." Connie implied.

James stood staring dumbly at her, then shrugged and ate the rest of the tablet.

"HAHA! HE'S DUMBER THAN MEEEEE!" Jessie screeched in delight.

"BITCH!" James then pursued Jessie up and down the corridor.

Maddie walked calmly over to Connie and Sam. "It's a Saturday"

"Oh er…..Ahem. We have another job for you, even though you are clearly busy doing er…..this. We want you to assist Mr Strachan and I in doing some heart surgery for Mr Heckles. Room 233"

Connie then walked off with Sam again in tow, going back to their old friend, mr closet.

Maddie turned around and yelled down the corridor. "ROOM 233 FOR YOUR SNIPERS, GAY SUITS, JESUS POWERS AND FRUIT BOWLS" She had an immediate response as the whole group charged up the corridor, barged past her, and ran for room 233.

"YOU LIE" Jessie screamed at Maddie when she entered the operating theatre, Mr Heckles was laid in on the table awaiting his anaesthetic and for the operation to start.

"…..well done" Angus said quietly to Maddie.

"'ere, 'urry up you'm young 'uns! I's only gots so long!" Mr Heckles said in an old voice.

"We aren't surgeons. Mr Strachan and Mrs Beauchamp are supposed to be operating on you today"

"Ooooh, look at all these shiny things" James looked through all the operating equipment.

Jessie smiles slyly, then grabs a scalpel and launches in at James. The orange screams and ends up pinned to the wall via his shirt, his little legs not quite touching the floor.

Angus applauded her "WOO, Good shot Jess!"

"no…….I missed…." Jessie replied dissapointedly "but lets play a game whilst we wait"

Jessie ran over to all the equipment drawers and pulled out all operating equipment, then dumped them in a giant pile on the floor. Seeing the confused looks on Maddie, Angus and Alan's faces, Jessie picks up another scalpel from the pile and throws it at James.

The operating theatre soon turned into a darts melee, the entire left wall being the dart board and James being the center of it.

Mr Heckles gripped his heart as it started thudding incredibly painfully "Oooh, this is it! Here I come all you sexy girls who died young! I have only one regret….I wish I'd cheated on my wife twice as much than I have done!"

Maddie, whom had gotten bored of trying to kill James, was surprised at this "That isn't a very nice dying wish!"

Alan, who had refused to throw things at his beloved James in the first place, perked up "Out of curiosity, how many times did you cheat on her?"

"Oh about 365 times a year"

Maddie stared at him open mouthed, whilst Alan stood there bewieldered "heeeey, aren't you supposed to be dying?"

Mr Heckles looked dumbly at him, then at his hand clutched to his chest "…..Ah yes….AAHHOW THE PAIN! KILL ME NOW AND SPARE THE PAIN!"

A syringe went flying past their heads to lodge in the wall just above the bed "OI KEEP IT DOWN! Can't you see we are trying to play Tangerine darts?" Jessie exclaimed as she threw another syringe at James's head, and missed. "GOD DAMMIT JAMES STOP SQUIRMING AT IT'LL ONLY EXCRUCIATING PAIN!"

"Jessie, this man is dying of a heart attack!" Maddie said back.

"Why didn't you say so?" Jessie bounded over to the bed and stood by the side of Mr Heckles, watching him writhing in pain, and smiled slyly. "Doctor Jessie Strachan here to help!"

"Jess, your last name is Towns…" Alan corrected her.

She shot him and evil look and growled "You can join James on the wall….."

Mr Heckles let out a loud and retarded groan, causing Jessie to turn back to him before Alan joined James.

"Erm……can I get down please?" James pleaded.

"I'll think about that….ANGUS! I want a scalpel and a liston knife!" Jessie yelled.

"Er, you've thrown all the scalpels at James and I have no idea what the fuck a liston knife is……but heres one!" He tossed the knife over to Jessie.

"Thanks Angus!" Jessie caught it, then through it quickly at James.

James screamed as the knife chipped his left ear on the wall…surprisingly, no blood came out. "AAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY I FINALLY HIT HIM! GIMMY FIVE! OH YEAH, I RULE! OH YEAH, I LOVE SAM!" Jessie cried in delight as she danced around the room.

Maddie, looking rather disturbed, pointed at James. "Er, Jim? Is it just me….or are your pants wet?"

James looked down just as cum started pouring from the bottom of his trouser legs "oooh dear…my bum leaks!"

"EEEEWWW, MARMALADE! EVACUATE!"

Everyone followed Jessie out of the operating theatre screaming. They all stayed at the other end of the corridor, when James came up to them half an hour later…his pants now clean and dry. Jessie ran up and randomly smacked him over the face.

"You disgusting lil' orange!"

Then Alan did the same "I'm so embarrassed by you, WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE!" And he slapped him again.

Angus came up and whacked him over the head "I'm just following suit……AHH IT BURNS!" And he started waving his arm about frantically.

Mr Heckles thwomped James over the head then in the crotch several times with a stick and sent him sprawling. "That'll teach you! You've got no control over your bowels you crippled little orange!"

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dying?" Maddie inquired.

"Erm….Nothing hurts….I LIIIIIVE! YOU LOT ARE THE BEST DOCTORS EVERRR!!!" Mr Heckles went round shaking their hands and patting them on the head (except James as he didn't want to get bird flu). "From now on I will cheat my wife 730 times a year!" With that he ran off yelling happily.

"………….I bet James's fiery hair that guy'll be back here within the week with AIDS" Maddie said.

"I'll take that bet!" Alan cried.

"NUUUUUU!" James exclaimed.

"Shut the fuck up Hagrid!"

James finally got up and, being very red like a tomato and his hair literally on fire, started screaming at Maddie and Angus. "WHY MEEEE! Why am I always the one to get beaten up and everything! Why can't it be you, or you!"

"I'm more sensible than you, and Angus has Spidey Powahs" Maddie replied.

"……STOP STARING AT MY HAIR! IT IS ORANGE BUT IT IS NOT ON FIRE!" James screamed at Angus.

"Er….." Angus pointed at James's hair.

James tried to look upwards but he's just a tangerine so ends up running in circles in the attempt to look up. There is a lot of thick smoke coming from James's hair and up to the ceiling "Ooooh dear…NEE HEE HEE!"

Then the fire alarm went off and the sprinklers came on. James ran in an even bigger circle screaming "NUUUU MY HAIR! THE GEL! I'M MELTING! AHHHH!" as his hair made a hissing noise. Maddie legged it down the corridor and away from the sprinklers and the group.

"….How do I know you…." Angus looked at Alan, who had his ear to a nearby door. "Alan, people don't actually like it when you do that"

"No, come closer. You don't have to be here to feel it!"

Angus and James walked closer to the door, and as they did the ground seemed to be shaking slightly and an audible thudding came from in the room. Then the door suddenly came free of it's hinges and fell flat onto the floor, with Jessie on top of Sam on the floor.

"YOU PERVES!" Jessie accused, both she and Sam looking very tired and breathing heavily. Angus and James just stared dumbfounded.

"…..nuuu" James said quietly.

"Okay kids there you are! I just heard tha- SAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!" Connie yelled as she came up and saw the door.

"…You need a new door" Jessie said simply.

"YOU BITCH HE'S MINE!"

Jessie leapt off Sam and jumped onto the door. "HEY! ICH BIN EIN BERLINNER!"

Connie leapt at Jessie, who grabbed her by her arms and would've swung her into the wall head first, but instead managed to rip her arms off. Connie went sliding down the corridor on her front, whilst Jessie was left holding her arms.

"…….I don't want souvenirs…" She threw them out the window then looked around her for Sam, whom had disappeared. "….FUCK YOU CONNIE!"

She finally turned to James and Angus "What? Where's pegleg?"

Angus pointed at the door "You're standing on him…."

Jessie looked down, then hopped off the door. She bent down and lifted it a little bit, then just stared at Alan who was completely crippled and pretty flat. "Oh well, we're in a hospital. Where's Maddie?" She dropped the door back on Alan.

"She ran away after I activated the sprinklers" James told her proudly.

"NUUU CONNIE MIGHT DECAPITATE HER! I'M COMING MADDIIIIEEE!" Jessie legged it off down one of the corridors at full pelt.

"JESSIE!" James called.

"What?" Jessie halted and looked back from the end of the 100metre corridor.

"She went down that corridor"

"……WELL YOU COULD HAVE SAID YOU FARTING TELEPHONE BOX!"

After half an hour of running up and down corridors, breaking several doctors arms and killing even more with toxins from James buttocks, they finally found Maddie at an exit to a train station. She'd changed into more appropriate clothing.

Jessie ran up and jumped on her "MADDIE, YOU LIIIVE!" She gave her a big hug, then slapped her over the arm "DON'T DO THAT AGAIN YOU BITCH! NOW WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET SOME DIFFERENT CLOTHES TO THESE CRAPPY OUTFITS!"

"How welcoming…." She held out a set for Jessie.

"Yey!" Jessie went into the ladies room to change, and came out a few minutes later.

"That was quick…"

"I had practice earlier" Jessie smirked.

"MADDINA!" Angus ran over and gave her a big hug "Don't go again!"

"I won't….." She pryed herself loose from his grip.

"Jessie, I think you broke my face…." Alan walked over with his hands over his face.

"Let me seee" Alan pulled his hands away for her to look "AHHHHH EWWWWWW it's fine"

Maddie looked at them all "Hey, aren't we missing one?"

"Er…..oh yes James. He slipped on Connie who was lying on the floor and they both slid into a chemical thingy ma bob…then I ran away" Jessie informed her.

"Hehehe, they smacked right into the table with all the urine and period samples on…." Alan finished, as he was behind everybody else.

"EEEEEWWWWWW!" Everyone else exclaimed.

"I smell like poo….." James stated as he came up to them.

"James, you always smell like camel poop…..NOW GET IN THERE AND HAVE A SHOWER YOU DIRTY MINGER!" Jessie pointed to the mens room.

"Is there any other kind?" James glared at her, but quickly ran into the mens room when she snarled.

"DON'T EAT THE MINTS!" Maddie called after him.

"FUCK YOU!"

Maddie screamed as she felt her hips prodded from either side, and spun round to see Alan there giggling like a girl.

"Wow your hips have really developed…." He giggled.

He was immediately attacked by Angus "THE QUEERS WILL DIE!" He screamed as he began beating Alan to a pulp.

"JAMES IS MINE!" Jessie screamed at him then turned to Maddie "Why are we at a train station?"

Maddie grinned and held up a credit card type thing. "Mr Heckles told all the doctors that we cured him of his heart condition and so the president wants to congratulate us as the 'youngest miracle workers' at the white house. We get to use this bullet train to get there!"

Jessie jumped up and down clapping her hands together "TRAIN RIDE WOOO!"

"We're going on a train? Cool!" James came out of the mens room having cleaned himself up, and was eating another toilet tablet. Pink this time. "I think the blue ones were nicer…."

Jessie just stared at him "…nice"

Angus and Alan finally got up and came nearer. Angus reached for the card in Maddie's hand. "Never give a girl your credit card"

Maddie snatched it away from him "I'M DRIVING!"

"You drive cars, not trains" Alan put in.

"I don't care"

Maddie and Jessie happily went through the doors with the boys coming in behind them. Very soon the doors slid closed and the train set off. Jessie began running up and down the aisle.

"AHH WE'RE MOOOVING!"

"We're supposed to be moving you idiot" James told her rather irritated, but instantly regretted it.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME TANGERINE?"

"Em em em……..SHIT!"

Jessie began chasing James up and down the aisle with a foam fire extinguisher, attempting to get him "RAAARRR I'LL DECAPITATE YOU NEXT YOU FUCKING ORANGE WHO DRINKS HIS OWN PEE MADE FROM TROPICANA!" She only managed to bury Alan in a sea of foam.

"Here, let me help you" Angus got another foam fire extinguisher and aimed it into the aisle. He fired it and accidentally hit Jessie instead of James.

Jessie stopped running and stood there dumbly for a minute, then rounded on Angus.

"Oops…" Angus said just before he was coated in foam. He then retaliated by squirting her again. James just stood by laughing at them both. It was then that they rounded on him, covered in foam, and started throwing things at him.

"AHHH" James screamed and ran away as two fire extinguishers came hurtling his way. Jessie and Angus legged it after him.

James ran into the train's kitchen, realised it was a bad place, tried to run back out only to be blocked, the opened the fridge and ran into it. "AHH IT'S COLD!" And ran back out of it again.

"NYAAA" Jessie hurtled a pan and hit James squarely on the head.

"AHHHOOOW!

"NEEE! NEW GAME! HURTLE EVERYTHING AT JAMES!" She threw a carving knife at him. James squealed and ducked, just avoiding the knife.

"GOD DAMNIT! IT'S NEVER THE SHARP THINGS!" She launched a plate of lasagne at him.

Meanwhile at the front of the train, whilst Alan was slowly suffocating in foam, Maddie was stood with the train driver.

"So, how fast are we going?"

"60mph at the moment"

"Uh-huh, how do we speed up"

"Simple, just push this lever"

"Okay" Maddie stuck her hand on the lever and pushed it all the way up. A few alarms went off, then the train rapidly sped up.

"YOU IMBECILE!" The train driver leapt out the chair and screeched at Maddie.

"YOU SAID PUSH IT!" Maddie jumped into his chair.

"OH NO YOU- AHHH!" The train driver flew backwards as Maddie pressed the button to open the doors, then she closed them again. The train driver had flown out them and hitten a telegraph pole, gotten electrocuted, fallen into cow pat, rolled onto the track, gotten run over by the next 50 trains, had his remains scraped up with spatulas and then fed to the worms whom threw up then died afterwards.

Maddie sat back in the chair and put her feet up on the controls. "Ah, much betterer"

All the foam flew off Alan then he flew into the TV screen and got barbecued.

In the kitchen, James was crouched in a corner over a bag of oranges he'd found. "Don't worry my cousins, I'll protect you…" Jessie managed to impale one of them with the last carving knife and orange juice spilled everywhere "NUUUU MY 1ST HALF COUSIN 3 TIMES REMOVED ON MY AUNTIE'S GRANDMA'S RELATIVE'S TWIN BROTHER! POOR EDWINA!"

Jessie then stopped throwing things as she realised some of the things were sliding to one side.

"Er…what's going on?" Angus said just before he was hurtled into the far wall.

James was flattened against all his orange cousins and got orange juice all over the front of his shirt which mixed in with the numerous pastas and vegetables that'd come his way.

Jessie spun around with all the pots and pans before just sliding across the floor and squashing Angus into the wall.

"OW!"

"My cousins…so many lives must be lost"

"Shut the fuck up Hagrid"


End file.
